I Gotta Feeling
I got a feeling
Whoo-hoo
That tonight's gonna be a good night
- Good night. Good night. - Hey, Jimmy!
That tonight's gonna be a good, good night
Hi!
Whoo-hoo
Cor. Good.
Well, you seem more excited than me, and I've seen the fucking show.
Good manners are disappearing.
When I was a lad it was considered polite
to tap a lady on the head before ejaculating.
I know.
You know why kids wear their trousers slung low with no belt?
It's cos they're dicks.
True story.
I attempted suicide once,
came pretty close,
killed the guy standing next to me.
It's all right, it was a Goth, it's what he would have wanted.
Whenever my girlfriend says, "Fucking men!"
I always think, "Yeah, that is the alternative."
- What? What, sorry?
- Tosser! - Tosser?
Right.
Just a rand... Just "tosser"?
You know you're in fucking Glasgow, don't you,
where someone pays you 22.50 to tell you to fuck off.
Fair enough, fill your boots.
On average, in the Northern hemisphere,
January is the coldest month of the year.
But if you were in Australia,
you'd be surrounded by cunts.
Any Australians in?
Yeah!
Welcome back.
I'll tell you why there's no women's boxing.
The weigh-in.
The fight would happen then and there.
Per square inch of head,
people with red hair have 750 fewer friends than normal people.
A lot, isn't it?
Are there any redheads in?
Yes!
Ugh.
I think I'm all right if I look away.
My partner recently lost 11 stone.
Well, I say that. I left her.
Fat cow.
A lot of people like to smoke cigarettes after sex,
but you can't buy cigarettes until you're 16,
so I have to get them for both of us.
You think its wrong I'm buying a 15-year-old girl cigarettes?
You think it's wrong I'm fucking her?
I'm kidding.
Kidding does sound like a verb for child abuse, doesn't it?
I'm kidding.
Are you joking or touching kids?
Women say they want their ideal man to be the outdoors type,
the kind of man that enjoys long walks in the countryside.
Women say they want their ideal man to be the kind of man that'll take control,
the kind of man that's not afraid to take a few risks.
Basically what you're saying, ladies, is your ideal man is a rapist.
And it's true, if you're a rapist you've got pretty much your pick of women.
It's funny cos it's true.
Well, I thought I'd kick off with some jokes, Glasgow, not fuck about too much.
I'll pause for breath and say hello, how are you, Glasgow, are you well?
Like an angry mob.
I thought we'd kick off properly.
We're in a beautiful room, the Armadillo in Glasgow. Bloody marvellous.
I thought we'd start things properly, yeah?
Cos everyone's dressed up, it's a Saturday night,
let's have a round of applause for the ladies.
Let's have a round... Yeah. Let's have a round of applause for the ladies.
Yeah. Yeah. Quite right. Yeah.
That's... Actually that's... that's probably enough.
Looking round, some of them have made no effort.
You've no made an effort, have ye?
You've not made an effort, have ya?
Oh, bless him. Mongo no like.
Look at you.
Sorry, your comment there is that I haven't made much of an effort?
Well, there's some cameras and some fucking lights,
I don't know what you had in mind. It's not like I come to your work
and knock the sailors' cocks out of your mouth, is it?
Come on.
Seems like a very weird thing from quite a tough-looking man from Glasgow to say.
"Oh, you've not made much of an effort.
"I thought you'd be dressed up prettier."
It's a little bit prison rape coming from you, sir.
That's what it feels like.
There's an incredible amount of pressure on women these days
to be beautiful and thin. And all I can say is,
we've got some very brave girls in here this evening, really.
Terrific stuff.
No, there are some stunning-looking women in here this evening,
and some right dogs.
You know who you are.
I'm joking.
No one in here is stunning.
It's all right to make those kind of jokes in comedy, because no one minds.
Like, occasionally someone will go,
"Oh, yeah, comedy, it's the new rock 'n' roll."
It fucking isn't.
I'll tell you how comedy isn't rock 'n' roll - there's no comedy groupies.
There's groupies in rock 'n' roll, there's no groupies in comedy.
What girl is so into comedy she's gonna come backstage and suck me off?
Well, might be a premature end to the show.
Have her washed and brought to my room.
I'm joking, don't wash her.
Seriously, what girl is so into stand-up
she's going to come backstage and suck me off just so she can go,
"That tastes funny."
It's a very fun job, this is all I do for a living, I travel around,
I find large groups of people with the same sense of humour as me
and then I tell them jokes for the evening.
It means I get to go everywhere.
- Any Irish people in? - Yes.
Oh, a few, not that many.
Sounds like the roads in Glasgow are very nearly finished.
I was in Dublin recently doing a show
and I was there with a friend hanging out for the day - what could be finer? -
and he dared me to say this at the end of the show.
So right at the end of the show I went,
"Dublin, I don't know much about Irish politics."
That was pretty much their reaction.
A couple of thousand people going, "I bet you fucking don't, no."
I said, "I don't know much about..." But he dared me to do it so I had to say it.
I said, "I don't know much about Irish politics,
"I just think we should have one Ireland united."
They were on their feet in Dublin, "This guy is all right."
And then I added, "One Ireland united
"under British rule."
They went fucking spastic.
Any Welsh people in, any Welsh?
Just one. We seem to have contained the problem. Good.
I'm loving the Welsh. Every time I go to Wales I have a lovely time.
The people are very friendly, but I get annoyed every time I go to Wales.
Not by the people, but by the signs.
All the signs in Wales. Road signs, tourist information, shop signs.
Every fucking sign has to be in English and Welsh.
Everything, English and Welsh.
It's ridiculous cos it costs a fortune to do
and only five per cent of the population of Wales can read.
Well, I like to think of myself as an equal opportunities offender.
We've done the Irish, we've done the Welsh. Any Scottish people in?
Imagine my surprise.
Here's a question for you, my Scottish friends.
If you were a homeless alcoholic Scot and you had Tourette's,
how would they ever know?
I'll tell you where's rough in England.
I was there recently and I didn't realise it was meant to be rough, but Nottingham...
I didn't realise this, Nottingham is the gun capital of Great Britain.
Tell you what Nottingham needs - a sheriff.
It's quite a silly joke.
Are there any Scousers in?
Well, there's a few there, all right. Hi, the Scousers. You well?
No.
What do you do for a living?
Oh, sorry, I forgot you were a Scouser there for a second, I apologise.
That's awkward.
I'm not having a go at Liverpool, I'm loving the Scousers.
It's a great place to do a gig. It's got a similar feel to Glasgow.
People heckle quite a lot, they join in,
they're quite up for it and nice sense of humour.
Loving the Scouse crowd, although I will say this about Liverpool -
Liverpool is the only city in Great Britain
where JD Sports has an evening-wear department.
They've got a fucking bridal shop.
Can I interest madam in an off-white tracksuit?
I always make a bit of an effort when I'm travelling, doing this job,
I always make a bit of an effort to do the accent of wherever I am,
and generally people take that well, they like the fact that you've made an effort.
But sometimes people get chippy if you don't get it right.
I was doing a gig in the north of England
and this guy came up to me after the show, quite aggressive. Yeah.
He said... "All right, our kid?
"I don't think you've got any fucking respect for this town.
"Try and do the voice, we don't even fucking talk like tha'.
"Knobhead."
I said "No, you've got me all wrong, I love Newcastle."
I've got a friend that got into an argument
with a barmaid from Sunderland.
Long story short, he ended up calling her a fat, ugly Geordie cunt.
And she said,
"I'm no a Geordie."
Sorry, that's a terrible accent.
But it is how they talk.
I'm always impressed... I came up on the train.
Anyone that can get on a train... Maybe some of you can do this.
Can any of you get on a train and not have to ask, is it the right train?
I'm unable to do that. Whenever I get on a train,
I've always got to find someone who looks like a grown-up, to me,
and go, "Is this the right one? Is this the one for Glasgow?"
We all know the answer, cos we've all been asked by a tit like me,
the answer is always, "Hope so."
I've started doing it on planes.
I went on holiday recently,
and they told me on holiday, yeah, in the hotel,
that they had special stuff in the swimming pool
that turns the water purple if you pee in the pool.
So I didn't pee in the pool.
I didn't realise they had stuff for shit.
But they clearly did, cos they were onto me almost immediately.
I told them it was a brown shark. They were having none of it.
I met a fat vegetarian.
I thought, "Well done."
"All that on salad, you go, girl."
Whatever I'm cooking, I always make sure there are vegetarian options.
They can make do or they can fuck off.
Women have a go at men for overreacting to man flu,
but I think AIDS is pretty serious.
Near where I live in North London, there's Hampstead Heath.
I don't know if you've heard of Hampstead Heath,
but there are toilets on Hampstead Heath, this parkland,
that are notorious for gay cruising.
This is where gay guys go in North London
to hook up with other gay guys of an evening,
the toilets on Hampstead Heath.
Now I live near there, here's my question -
what happens if you just want a piss?
You're buggered.
Yeah, you can laugh - I found out the hard way.
"The hard way" is not the phrase to use there, is it?
I've got lots of gay friends.
I'm sure there are loads of gay men in, a few certainly dotted around.
Are there gay men in?
Keeping it quiet in Glasgow.
I've got loads of gay friends, I'm sure there are some gay men in this evening,
How do you decide who goes where in a gay relationship?
When it's a man and a woman you know what goes where,
pretty much, most of the time?
Apart from birthdays and Christmas.
That was a good little nudge.
"Told you that was normal."
But if it's two guys, cos it's two guys,
is it like calling shotgun in the car?
Cos I get annoyed if my friend gets to sit in the front.
I'd be livid if he got to pop his cock in my bum.
That is the face I would do.
Do you know how to tell if someone's gay, Glasgow?
Do you know how to tell? You know when you get a posh lady,
if a posh lady is drinking tea from a cup and a saucer,
and she'll do the thing with her pinkie, she'll do the...
"Oh, delicious, Morag. Another scone?"
She's Scottish.
Anyway, she'll do the thing with the pinkie.
Well, if a guy does that when he's sucking your cock...
Gay!
Well, you're sucking that like a poof, you bender.
What is he like?
Don't get the wrong idea, Glasgow, I'm not homophobic.
Anyone that says I'm homophobic can suck my cock.
As long as he's not a fella, cos that isn't natural.
I think I should be allowed to tell these jokes
because although I've never had sex with a man,
I have fucked a girl ugly enough to count as a man.
My friend said that to me recently, my friend Louise.
We were just chatting about nothing and out of the blue she just went,
"I've never been to bed with an ugly man, but I've woken up with a few."
So I said to her, "I've never been to bed with an ugly girl,
"but I've fucked a few in car parks."
Sorry, I should clarify, car park is just what I call the vagina.
Because of my name.
You don't look at all happy with the euphemism "car park"
for the va-jay-jay.
I don't want to offend anyone this evening.
The least offensive term, probably front bottom.
So from here on in, we'll call it a front bottom
and a back cunt. And then...
Who's seen me before, Glasgow? Who's been to one of my shows before?
I always stick around at the end of the show and say hi to people.
Frankly, the least I could do on a day out.
And the question I get asked more than any other question,
after the gig people say to me, "What's going on in your head?"
Well, often they don't phrase it like that, they'll say, "What's wrong with you?"
So I thought this evening what might be a fun thing to do
is to take you on a little guided tour inside of my mind.
I've done pictures to illustrate
and I'll show you what's actually happening up here. Oh, yes.
Sorry, I've just noticed some people wearing masks of my face,
in what could only be described as a fucking freaky incident.
Why have you... You've got a mask of my... Could you just hold it up, so...
Could you turn that round, just so other people can see how fucking freaky that is.
The odd thing about that is,
I was looking at you for a second, I was going, "That looks familiar.
"That's something about...
"Hang on, I'm usually shaving when this happens."
Thanks for fucking freaking me out on the DVD record,
I really fucking appreciate it.
You crazy bint. What's your name, madam?
- Claire. - Claire. And what do you do, Claire?
- Er, student. - Depends on the guy probably.
If it's a one-night stand you really let your hair down.
What do you do for a living, Claire?
- Er, student. - You're a student?
Ah, thus the free time
to be making masks of comedians' faces.
And who are you here with, who's your friend?
- I'm Lucinda. - Is she your special friend?
Are you special friends?
Do you sometimes use the mask and use a strap-on and pretend?
Yeah.
Pretend you're doing it like normal people, yeah.
Sorry, that's how I laugh.
If I laugh at any point in the show, it sounds like Elmo's being tickled,
or a seal is being sexually molested.
Thanks very much for making a mask, thanks for making a fuss of me.
Right, sorry, I was going to take you on a guided tour of my mind.
We'll kick off with some thoughts.
That's me, thinking.
Or shitting, it's unclear from that.
I don't really like the term shitting, I find it a bit aggressive.
I prefer to say growing a tail.
It's nice to be nice, isn't it?
Right, some thoughts for Glasgow.
White-van drivers.
I don't know, they think they own the road
with their flashing lights and their sirens.
"Ooh, there's been an accident."
There fucking will be.
Of course, the thing they never do on soaps is watch TV.
And that's because they'd see all their dead friends on The Bill.
Have you just spotted the aids? Well done.
Whenever I see a sticker on the back of a car saying "Princess On Board"
it always makes me think of Diana.
I always think, "Don't upset Prince Philip, you'll be fine."
What?
I didn't fucking kill her, don't give me a hard time.
What super power would I most like to have?
I've given that a lot of thought.
That's the sort of thing men think about a lot.
What super power would be best?
I think invisibility would be the coolest super power to have.
And really, the question is, if I was invisible what would I do second?
I think we all know what I would do first.
Let's face it, if I was invisible,
they'd think the ladies' changing rooms were haunted.
Where's all this ectoplasm coming from? It seems to be...
Something just tapped me on the head.
Manners cost nothing.
I have a lot of ideas
and I'd like to share some of my ideas with Glasgow this evening.
Yes. I'd like to share some ideas with all of you good people.
I'm working on a book at the moment,
it's about a zombie that comes back from the dead,
but the twist is, the zombie is the good guy.
But apparently it's already been done. It's called the Bible.
It's annoying, isn't it?
I've had an idea for a TV show, it's called Jim'll Fix lt.
It's just me spaying cats.
The first guy that persuaded a blind person they needed sunglasses,
he must have been a hell of a salesman.
There's a lot of problems in the world,
so I like to do a little bit of problem solving every day,
try and make the world a slightly better place.
British women, that's you ladies,
British women last year spent 280 million
removing unwanted body hair.
Surely it would be cheaper and easier just to move to Germany.
If you're worried about putting on a few extra pounds
and you want to be ready for next summer with your beach body
why don't you visit Somalia and get some fucking perspective?
There's people with real problems, you fat cow.
I've solved another problem, it's a little thing,
but little and often with problem solving is the best way to do it.
I've invented a bird table for my back garden.
It's three foot tall and it saves a fortune on cat food.
I tell you who I think should team up.
Neighbourhood Watch and peeping toms.
It's a good idea, isn't it?
A marriage made in heaven.
And it would add a new dimension to the term "curtain twitching".
Curtain twitching could mean checking up on the neighbours,
or curtain twitching, female masturbation.
I feel we've crossed a line, haven't we, Glasgow?
We've definitely crossed a line.
Facts.
We've all got loads of facts inside our heads,
it's something to do with living in this internet age.
British people are at least one inch taller than we were 20 years ago
and that's because 20 years ago we were all children.
40 per cent of people use their mobile phone
to cheat on their partner.
I use Mr Tinkle.
Mr Tinkle is just a silly name I've got for my tummy banana.
Most bingo winners don't tell their other halves about their windfall
and that's because their husbands are dead.
There are 427 licensed professional jockeys currently working in the UK.
If you laid them all from end to end they would stretch from here
to here.
An iguana can stay under water for 28 minutes.
Or longer, if you don't mind it dying.
Interesting little fact for you.
Obsessive Star Trek fans are known as?
Yay!
Virgins.
Sorry.
- Are you a big Star Trek fan? - Yes.
But how old are you? Do you mind me asking?
You seem like... What, sorry?
- Twenty. - Twenty?
Right, so definitely not a virgin in Glasgow.
What do you do for a living?
- I'm a secretary. - You're a secretary?
- Yes. - Nice. Is it 1950 already?
- It's 2010 actually. - What?
2010 actually.
All right. You seem a bit chippy.
Oh, it is Glasgow, sorry.
I'd love to chat more, but I'm at work, so...
Here, this will cheer you up.
Oh, and you've gone for that, nice.
What a lady.
Let's talk about language. I'm slightly obsessed by language.
I spend my life toying with it, and messing round with it,
and trying to write jokes for you good people to laugh at.
A lot of people don't like it when language changes.
A lot of people don't like Starbucks, for example,
because what was small, medium and large,
is now tall, grande and venti.
But I like the fact that I've now got a tall cock.
That's taken away a lot of the stigma.
A lot of people change the language that they use
so as not to offend certain interest groups or individuals.
Which is fair enough, you know how touchy queers are.
PC has ruined some things.
You can't say fruit salad any more, it's now homosexual salad.
Which is mental, because all salad is gay.
Cooee!
You've got to be very careful in how you express yourself.
You could be saying the same thing, but if you pick the wrong words,
you could cause offence quite inadvertently.
I'll give you an example, I'll read you two sentences.
The first one is entirely inoffensive,
the second one, well, it could be misconstrued.
I know, heaven forefend, but they both say the same thing, interesting.
I fell into a hedge, cut my face,
and I can only partially remember the evening.
It's fine, isn't it? Much better than saying,
I fell into a bush, got gash on my face, and can only remember snatches.
Doesn't maternity...
Maternity makes it sound like you're going to be fat forever?
And some of you will be.
Doesn't Nazi gold sound like a greatest hits?
Let's talk about fears, our subconscious mind.
That's quite an interesting area, isn't it? Yeah.
The best way to conquer a fear of spiders
is next time you see a spider,
imagine it naked.
Has anyone got like a morbid fear of spiders?
- Like a... - Yes.
Someone's got one over there?
- My brother. - Your brother has?
Well, so that's kind of... Oh, he's here, it wasn't a random,
"I haven't got a phobia, but my brother has, maybe you could help with that."
- What's your name? - Kyle.
Kyle? And you speak for him?
When you say your brother you're not from Paisley,
you're not going out or anything, are you?
Oh, no, I'm just asking cos...
What do you do, Kyle?
Nothin' the noo but.
What, sorry?
Nothin' the noo.
Nothing the now?
It's a new... Kyle and I are just workshopping,
we're coming up with a new children's character for Scotland.
He's called Nothing the Now,
the unemployed donkey.
Nothing the now? What the fuck is that, Kyle?
What do you do for a living? You're unemployed.
- Aye. - Aye.
- Yes. - All right, well, good,
it was lovely having you here.
Especially as a lot of the taxpayers paid for you to fucking be here.
Well...
Yeah. Let's face it, we're in Glasgow,
there's a lot of people that applauded that
that have never paid any tax in their fucking lives.
"'Ey, there's tax on spirits, isn't there?"
What I'd like to do, Kyle, my gift to you,
give something back to the community,
not just put care in it,
I'd like to cure you of your fear of spiders. You up for this?
Aye.
Like Derren Brown style with hypnosis, cure your fear of spiders. You up for this?
- Aye. - Fabulous. All right. Cos it's happening.
OK, imagine, Kyle,
you're at home, in bed, under the duvet,
as snug as a bug in a rug, mmm.
And you're dreaming of whatever...
unemployed people in Glasgow dream of.
I don't know, being on the Social for another few years.
I don't fucking know.
"Ooh, and then I sign my name and the cheques keep comin', oh, lovely."
OK, so you're at home in bed.
You're in the most safe and secure environment you could possibly be in.
You're under the duvet, safe and secure and warm, mmm.
Dreaming away.
A spider, Kyle, the size of my hand,
big hairy motherfucker,
crawls on your face as you lie sleeping.
Doesn't wake you, Kyle, you're still dreaming of nice things,
Buckfast and the like.
Just sits there for a while on your face, Kyle, as you sleep.
Lays its eggs in your tear ducts...
...and scampers away
to its enormous, giant spider nest, under your bed, where it lives.
You can check later if you like.
OK. You wake up in the morning, fresh as a daisy, lovely,
ready for a busy day. Well...
You're awake anyway.
OK, so you're absolutely fine the next morning.
About a week later, you're sitting reading the paper, you know.
"That's a weird itch."
A thousand spiders hatch out of your eyes!
Has that helped at all?
That needs work, doesn't it? Sorry.
If it's any consolation, it's only Kyle, doesn't matter.
Franklin D Roosevelt famously said,
"There is nothing to fear but fear itself."
Of course, he's dead now. Killed by a spider.
What I worry about, and I'm sure many of you share my concerns,
I worry about climate change.
Climate change, or to give it its official scientific name,
autumn.
Do you know, we produce 48 per cent more carbon emissions
than we used to in the 1970s?
But that figure could be halved if you just divided it by two.
I'll tell what I do really worry about,
and I'm sure Kyle will be thinking this is entirely justified,
I worry about going mad.
I've got a friend that went mad last year and ended up killing himself.
He took everything in the medicine cabinet.
Choked on a surgical bandage.
That's not how I would do it. If I was going to kill myself,
I know what I would do, I don't wanna be morbid,
but I know how I'd do it.
I would dress up as Superman and jump off the top of a building.
How fucking awesome would that be?
And I would do it at four o'clock in the afternoon during term time.
Cos you'd want a couple of hundred kids going, "Wow, Superman!"
And then, "Whoa, Fathers for Justice."
Rape.
Such a harsh word.
I prefer to say when kiss-chase goes too far.
And what exactly is aggravated rape?
"Oh, not only did he rape me, now I've missed my bus."
On the positive side, at least with Rohypnol there are no bad memories.
What?
Let's talk about childhood, Glasgow.
Yeah. Childhood memories, childhood thoughts, yeah.
One in ten British kids has never been to a beach in this country.
Imagine that, growing up without ever having seen
a dead cormorant with a tampon on its head.
When I was a kid I wanted to get a tattoo
but my parents said I had to get it somewhere that didn't matter.
So I had it done in Hull.
Is anyone here from Hull?
- Yeah! - Doesn't matter.
Here's an interesting thing,
you can have sex in this country when you're 16,
but you can't buy pornography until you're 18. That's an odd law.
You can have sex when you're 16,
but you're not allowed to watch other people have sex for another two years.
So if you're 16, you can have sex, just don't look down.
Let's talk about faith and spirituality,
an important part of our psyches I'm sure you will agree.
Christians say, and there may be Christians in this evening,
Christians say, "Jesus died for your sins, be good."
I say, "He's already dead, fuck it."
"What's he going to do, get deader? Fill your fucking boots, mate."
Also, if he died for your sins and you don't do any sins,
you've made him look a right cunt.
I don't believe in the paranormal per se, but I do have a spirit guide.
Well, I say spirit guide, you might call it a sat nav.
Paranormal is actually derived from the Greek.
"Para" meaning "you're not", and normal.
Let's talk about travel, yeah?
The main reason Americans... Are there any Americans in?
For the best.
The main reason Americans don't have passports
is they have trouble fitting in the photo booth.
Luckily, they've developed Google Earth.
More than 2.3 million households have no one in full-time work,
which is a convoluted way of saying there is a place called Scotland.
- Ha! Really? Good luck.
Of course, not all Scottish people are alcoholics,
a lot of you are recovering alcoholics with drug problems.
Let's face facts, Glasgow,
if you Scottish ever find a way to deep-fry whisky, you are fucked.
Interesting little fact for you -
hopscotch was originally invented in Glasgow
by children trying to step over their alcoholic parents.
True story.
Let's talk about some dumb things. I see a lot of dumb signs.
I was in a supermarket, I saw a sign, it said, "Buy two get one free."
But I only wanted one, so I took the free one.
I don't want to show off about my showbiz lifestyle,
but I was in a Yates's Wine Lodge...
Yeah, I was in a Yates' Wine Lodge and I got talking to the barmaid.
I asked her how many types of wine they did in Yates's Wine Lodge,
and she said, "Both."
Let's talk about some important social issues.
There's a guy I work with, and every day he has what looks like fish fingers.
I think he was in a fire.
Don't tell me that's too brutal for Glasgow.
Most domestic fires need just four things to start -
a source of oxygen, a source of heat,
gambling debts, and an up-to-date insurance certificate.
I hate people that make loud noise on public transport,
particularly explosions.
Annoying!
I got into an argument,
I said, "Women have a lower pain threshold than men."
She said, "Try childbirth."
I said, "I have. How do you think I got here?"
Do you know, the NHS is currently so underfunded
that couples wanting IVF treatment to help them conceive
are being told to go and fuck themselves.
Remember, dogs die in hot cars,
or a heavy blow to the back of the head will work just as well.
Oh, really? That's the one that got you? OK.
I came home the other night and my girlfriend was dressed up as a French maid.
Very disappointed, the house was a fucking state.
Filthy slut.
Well, let's talk about love and romance and sex.
Let's talk about sex, Glasgow.
There's a very commonly held belief that men think about sex every seven seconds,
which I think makes talking to your dad creepy.
British men spend, on average, 22 minutes on foreplay.
Of course, that is spread out between all of us over the course of a year.
Women who read romance novels
have twice as much sex as the national average.
Well, I say sex, what I mean is, they yield the precious softness
of their silken female innocence to the crushing firmness of his intent.
Sorry, I came over all Catherine Cookson there.
That's not a great phrase to use.
That would be like painting the Forth Bridge.
The average person has two pounds of meat lodged in their colon.
So, come on, love...
Most people don't know this, but confetti that you get at a wedding,
confetti represents fertility and the seed of man.
Which is quite accurate cos a lot of it does end up in the bride's hair.
Women have a go at men because we're no good at multi-tasking,
but then you have a go at us when we piss in the shower.
It's like we can't win.
Speaking of multi-tasking, I had a threesome last week.
My girlfriend is pretty cool.
But if she finds out about this I'm in trouble.
I did have a threesome. I know what you're thinking,
"Yeah, probably you, a girl and another bloke."
No. It was actually me and two blokes.
That feels like enough from inside my head, shall we leave it there?
Let's leave it there. Marvellous.
Yes, erm...
Do you ever do this, do you get asked to do the washing-up
and you do it really badly, on purpose, so you never get asked again?
Yes.
My girlfriend does that with blowjobs.
Seriously, her blowjobs suck.
And it's not just me, a lot of my friends have commented.
My girlfriend likes to have the lights on during sex.
Cos she likes to be able to read.
Which I think is to be encouraged in a girl of her age.
I'm kidding!
She's actually scared of the dark.
Some people like the lights on, some have to have the lights off.
I like the lights on during sex, my best mate likes to have the lights off.
And fair enough, his missus is a pig.
My girlfriend and I do a bit of role play in the bedroom.
I pretend to be a swarthy Italian Lothario,
and she pretends to be asleep.
She gets pretty into it.
Sometimes she's there for seven or eight hours.
I'm actually quite conservative, sexually.
I tried S & M once.
Well, I say I tried S & M, I punched a girl.
Who's in a long-term relationship? Give us a shout if you are. Yes?
Yes!
Oh, loads of us, OK. Well, you'll know as I know,
in a long-term relationship it's all about compromise,
it's about finding that common ground because if you're not both happy,
neither of you can independently be happy.
No one's happy when the other half has got a face on, are you?
You've got to find common ground.
Here's a good example of compromise, this happens a lot in our house.
I want to go out for the evening, a night out, she wants a romantic night in.
So, as a compromise, we go dogging.
We don't.
I suggested having sex outside once and she went,
"What if someone comes?"
I said, "We'll go home."
OK, I've got a question for the men of Glasgow, OK?
You're representing the men of Britain this evening.
Got a question for you.
Has any man in this room ever used the phrase "making love"?
No. Never.
No, well no, of course fucking not.
Purely the preserve of the ladies, ladies love that phrase, making love.
Making love. Hm.
Making love.
But you know why it's called making love?
It's cos we're going to make you do it, love.
Thanks very much.
"Fuckin' right."
I got stopped by one of those charity muggers.
You know the ones, with the clipboard in the high street,
and you think, "Oh, I've dodged him," then there's another, "Oh! For..."
They work in teams, I don't know how they do it.
Anyway, I got stopped, I got cornered.
He said, "Can I have a word about the homeless?"
I said, "Certainly - lazy."
"Off you fuck."
I was in London and I saw a homeless guy with a dog on a piece of string.
Classic look for a homeless guy.
It is.
And I was walking by and the homeless guy said,
"Could you spare some money for food?"
And my friend said, "Eat the dog, then we'll talk."
Even I thought, "That is harsh."
I'm joking, I didn't.
Truth be told, there was no friend there, I said it.
I was just checking to see you thought it was funny first.
I do a lot of gigs for people less fortunate than me.
Only last week I was in Stoke.
For those who don't know it, it's the English equivalent of Dundee.
Are there people in from Dundee?
Oh, there's girls in from Dundee.
That's good cos I've got money for chips and I wouldn't mind sex.
I like the fact the girls from Dundee applauded that.
Just, yeah, you're going, "Yeah, fuck, chips, ooh."
Shall I do my impression of me seducing a girl from Dundee?
That's all you need.
Fucking marvellous.
This isn't what the show is about at all,
but I was going to tell you about a thing that I'm doing,
means a lot to me, and I'm going to take a moment of your time.
I've started a little charity,
just a little thing of my own and it's going great,
but I didn't want to put anything up on big screens
or put any leaflets out or anything in the programme.
I was going to tell you what the charity I've set up does,
then if you want to get involved you could Google it.
It's not what the evening's about, it's about having a laugh,
but I thought I might... sorry, I'm wittering on.
But you could just look it up or Google it, if you want to get...
No, I'm just saying,
cos you could be proactive rather than me forcing it down...
Cos people get bored of that.
OK. What we do is we send obese children to the rainforest.
I don't mind you tittering, cos we're seeing fabulous results.
If you wanna be part of that, it's feedthetigers. Com.
Their faces light up.
Not the children, obviously, they're fucking petrified.
Although, it is quite ironically funny seeing them trying to run away.
It's a bit late for cardiovascular now.
You should have thought of that
when you were waddling to Gregg's, you fat fuck!
Flooding. Flooding's pretty bad.
I saw a woman on the news in her flooded front room, crying.
I thought, "Crying's not helping.
"If anything, you're making matters worse, love."
I am committed to getting young girls off the streets.
Sometimes it's just for a half-hour, but it relaxes me.
I find it very relaxing.
Sorry, I'm not sounding very charitable, I do do my bit.
I've created a foundation for battered women.
It's really thick, to hide the bruising.
It's weird, domestic abuse is still a real sort of taboo subject.
People don't like talking about it.
Ironically, that makes the problem much worse,
cos the charities that deal with domestic abuse,
their problem is a problem of communication,
cos the women that they're trying to communicate with,
the battered wives, are the very women that won't shut up and listen.
Tragically, this is the only language they understand.
I don't know what that is.
That's like the lion from the Wizard Of Oz.
I wouldn't last a fucking day in this city, would I?
Sorry, I know there's a degree of civic pride in Glasgow
because domestic abuse was invented right here, wasn't it?
Around the turn of the century, well done, we salute you.
Someone say something there?
Old Firm day is domestic violence day?
Is that a thing?
- Is that real?
There's a woman there just going, "Yeah."
"Oh, yeah."
What, sorry? Just tell me that again, Old...
Old Firm day, Rangers and Celtic game.
So when Rangers play Celtic, it's the day for domestic abuse?
I fucking love it that you've got it diarised.
Has anyone had this recently,
has anyone made an appointment with the doctors recently?
I phoned up for an appointment with my doctor
and I got an appointment in three weeks' time.
I thought, "That's good, I'll either be better or dead."
But then they gave me option B.
They said, "You can come down and see the locum doctor.
"It's not your doctor, it's our doctor we've got there,
"and if it's serious you can come down and wait."
So that's what I did, I went down to the doctor's surgery
and I waited for, like, four hours.
And eventually I got called into the treatment room with the doctor.
Walked in there, stunning-looking doctor,
I mean properly ten out of ten, absolutely gorgeous, exactly my type.
I went, "Er... I'm embarrassed."
She said, "I'm a professional, you're a grown man,
"just tell me what the problem is."
I said, "OK,
"I think my cock tastes funny."
"I don't know if you've got a test for that,
"but I've had an idea."
It's weird, the gender stereotype in that joke, isn't it?
Like the idea, when I say "doctor", most people imagine a man.
That's very odd, cos we all know there's female doctors,
but, if you're honest, when I say doctor, do you imagine a man? Yes?
Nurse is even worse. If I say nurse, do you imagine a woman?
Sounds like a slightly overactive imagination there.
Ooh, yes! I mean like a proper nurse, not like a stripper in a pub.
When I say nurse, do you imagine a woman, yes?
But we know there's loads of male nurses.
It's not pronounced male, you don't call them male nurses.
It's pronounced, "Male nurses?!"
Not that I want to offend any male nurses, or indeed your boyfriends.
Just nod that one in, good.
I'll never forget what my granddad said to me,
"I shit in a bag, please kill me."
A great way to warm up pensioners in winter
is cremation.
Do you know you lose 50 per cent of your taste buds
by the time you're 75.
So it is OK for your nana to live on cat food.
My nana, my mum's mum, used to make me a jumper every Christmas.
Did anyone else have that?
She made me a jumper every Christmas.
Much better than the ones in the shops.
No. No, it isn't.
I remember one year she made me this burgundy monstrosity.
Sleeves way too long
and in the front she'd embroidered, "Blacks go home".
I said, "I'm not wearing that!
"It's burgundy!
"And the sleeves are too long, you crazy racist whore."
My girlfriend recently had a phantom pregnancy
and now we have a little baby ghost.
It's quite a sweet joke, it's not hurting anyone
and that's why every time I tell that joke I kick a tramp.
Even things up karmically.
Who's got kids? Have you got kids? You've got kids?
I've got kids. I've adopted but it's the same.
It's a family. Well, fostered.
But as I say, there's a bit of paperwork, it's nothing.
Sponsored. I've sponsored a child.
Well, it's not a child, it's a panda.
Well, it's a donkey.
I didn't sponsor it, I gave it half an apple through a fence.
That always gets the same reaction, it's always the woman going,
"That's not the fucking same,"
and the bloke going "Have you? Good.
"As long as I don't have to see a fucking photo of it."
A lot of men use moisturiser, but I'm old-fashioned.
I just spit on my hand.
What did you think we were talking about?
Oh, come on, don't give me that look, we've all been there.
"Come on, love, the film starts in 10 minutes,
"we haven't got time for your fancy foreplay or your expensive lubricant,
"we're going to be buttering the baking tray the old-fashioned way."
Ironically, buttering the baking tray is the phrase that will stick.
Sorry, you've just given him a look as if to say,
"I thought you invented that.
"How does he know what we do?"
Flavoured condoms. Has anyone had any dealings with flavoured condoms?
Yeah. A few of you.
The girl from Dundee is thinking, "I thought that was one of my five-a-day."
"Another banana, lovely."
My point on flavoured condoms is they are a waste of money, OK?
Turns out my girlfriend doesn't have a sense of taste in her front bottom.
Or back cunt.
Which is just as well, if you think about it.